you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
