a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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