Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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