we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize