Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
