My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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