Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
And then the night went full on bisexual.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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