not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
