if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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