Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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