heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
