Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
