Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
