Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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