my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
