I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
