Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
