I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
