the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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