So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
