margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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