Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
This baby is an asshole
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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