MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize