was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
