I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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