You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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