just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
