I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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