Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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