...so i touched it.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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