I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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