I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize