He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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