I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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