She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
