Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
