I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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