it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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