The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I could make wine with my vomit
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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