i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
