i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
