She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
