I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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