btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
