I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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