Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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