I just threw up on my dentist
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
