I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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