I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Randomize
