My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
