Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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