I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
