take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
