Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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