a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
