How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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