Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
