No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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