You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
